A Press Conference. A Cartoon. Matt Damon

The Trump Administration Players this week launched an ongoing amateur theater production of just about every Scooby Doo episode ever made with President Donald J. Trump’s visceral portrayal of “Old Man Withers” live on center stage.

The chaotic daily performance was capped on Thursday by a rambling, 77-minute monologue seemingly pieced together by a man who had just taken way too much Sudafed.

Trump struggled onstage to transform his portrayal of the ever-bumbling Withers into a role more in keeping with his delusional fantasies. But as true Scooby fans know, each episode of the classic cartoon ends the same: Fred and Velma unmask the ghost pirate who invariably turns out to be the omnipresent, bitter Old Man W himself, who now rendered impotent, snarls out his final pathetic line:

“I would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn’t been for you meddling kids!”

Springing like a drunken, fat ballerina from a whirlwind cloud of angry twitter rants, Trump alternately lashed out at the dishonest press, Democrats, a hapless Jewish journalist asking too complex a question, Hillary Clinton, various federal courts, the press (again), and most of all the emerging battalion of federal employees lining up in droves to speak to the dishonest press.

Or, as Trump refers to them, taking a page out of Vice President Spiro T. Agnew’s 1969 Big Book of Alliteration: “low-life leakers.”

Admittedly, Trump’s “leakers” quote is not quite as catchy as Agnew’s famous “nattering nabobs of negativism” but in the words of every incredibly delusional Trump supporter I hear these days:

“Give him a chance! You’ve got to give him a chance!”

Yes, I’m sure that if we just give him a chance – and he attracts a speech writer as talented as William Safire – someday Trump too will be as well respected as Agnew… who resigned in shame one step ahead of various charges including extortion, bribery, conspiracy, and (Trump supporters take note) tax fraud.

But let us consider Trump’s current Enemy of the State Number Two (remember: Number One is the dishonest press), the so-called “leaker.” These are not “leakers.” These are the people who really make it all work, this titanic apparatus of levers and knobs that is our federal government.

These are the highly skilled intelligence analysts. Career diplomats. Personnel managers. Secret Service officers. Aides and assistants. Men and women like you and I perhaps who go to work Monday morning but instead of arriving at their normal job, land at an ethical cross-road.

Think about what you would do if you went to work one day and instead of going downstairs for a nice iced coffee you go back to your desk shaken because you just witnessed your boss’s boss peeing all over the Constitution. Would you shrug your shoulders and start reading your email again? Or would you tell somebody?

I’m afraid this is a “see something, say something” kind of world we live in now. In another day and age, after witnessing the attempted wholesale dismantling of a mighty nation of laws, perhaps the response may have been to adopt a Gary Cooper-like stoicism, pour a nice cocktail a la Don Draper and burn through a pack of Lucky Strikes – but those days are gone.

Really, if Trump wants to rant at someone, he should start tweeting at that darn Matt Damon and his “Bourne Identity” movies. What with Matt running around, effortlessly sticking it to The Man and all – that really seems a ton more cathartic than slowly developing an ulcer by keeping it all inside and slipping into an alcoholic stupor.

So, shine on, you crazy diamonds and leak like there is no tomorrow! Leak, leak, leak until your dreams come true! Drive your tiny French cars down twisting Paris streets like Jason Bourne, clubbing administration bullshit like Trump trying to get out of one of his own sand traps. Be free, Trump bullshit, free to be the truth we know you can be!

And maybe, who knows, maybe the next time the mask comes off Old Man Withers it will be his last.

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