MAN SPEAKS FROM OWN ASS: Modern Evidence of the Evolution of the Species

The science world reeled this week when evidence surfaced that proves anew the Darwinian theory of evolution – and broadcast live to millions of viewers Sunday morning on CBS’s Face the Nation.

What started as a routine interview between host John Dickerson and guest White House chief of staff Reince Priebus quickly broke down into rancor from Priebus as he aired the administration’s long list of grievances with the media over relentless coverage of the activities surrounding Donald Trump’s first month in office.

But what happened next shocked the scientific world when Dickerson asked for comment from Priebus regarding a statement from Senator John McCain of Arizona.

Transcript from SUNDAY 2/19/2017 broadcast of Face the Nation:

JOHN DICKERSON: Let me ask you about something John McCain, Senator John McCain said in front of a group of European leaders at the Munich Security Conference. He said that the audience would quote:

“…be alarmed by the growing inability and even unwillingness to separate truth from lies…”

JOHN DICKERSON: Your response to that criticism of the administration?

REINCE PRIEBUS: Well, I think it’s a good criticism of the media. Um, you know it’s very difficult to separate the truth from the lies.

JOHN DICKERSON: Mr. Priebus, he wasn’t talking about the media.

REINCE PRIEBUS: I get it John. I understand the question and I’m just asking you to do the same thing in regard to the media and what we’ve been dealing with, uh, lately in responding to twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week of cable news with one chyron after the next of a lie from another source that doesn’t want to actually name a single person in these bogus stories. And so we’d rather talk about the truth and what’s happening instead of these bogus stories so I go through the litany of things that we’ve accomplished, the lobbying ban, the hiring freeze, deregulation, uh, protecting Americans from terrorists…

JOHN DICKERSON: I understand…Mr. Priebus…

REINCE PRIEBUS: I think it’s been an accomplishment…

JOHN DICKERSON: …I understand, but if we could get back to the question from Senator McCain of Arizona who made that claim about truth from The White House. What’s your response to that?

REINCE PRIEBUS: My response is I…I…I don’t even know what…what…what he’s referring to. I mean I…I…I understand. I…I…I didn’t see his statement, ah, but he would be wrong in regard to that statement and The White House and President Trump. The fact of the matter is the level of accomplishment that he’s put forward so far in the first thirty days has been remarkable.

This is when it became clear that Priebus had moved well beyond run-of-the-mill political rhetoric and slipped into history by evolving into something entirely new: Homo Republicanus – a species that actually speaks from deep within it’s own ass.

“We’ve really not seen anything as all-encompassing as this before,” said Dr. Frank Chiccarone at the National Science Foundation. “Certainly we have all seen incredible displays where a politician may wear his ass as a type of hat at various times. But never anything like this.”

“We believe this to be evidence that our species has actually begun to evolve into something entirely new.”

“And,” he continued “we are thinking that we may witness others suddenly cross over as well; Mitch McConnell, Paul Ryan, they’re both showing definite signs that they too may be on this evolutionary verge – if they haven’t changed already.”

It does explain a lot about the steady pace of bullshit coming out of the Trump White House. The almost nonsensical words; random thoughts squeezed out as if by an inexorable, vast peristaltic action. A strange mélange of half-thoughts combined with the weekend’s meatloaf from Mar-a-Lago, pushed out as if by the muscular contraction of a deep and mighty presidential bowel.

But the real question with most adaptation is: will this newfound intra-anal communication ability be a boon or a bust? Experts differ on their conclusions.

Some feel the adaptation will allow the specimen to remain insulated from opposing points of view and what scientists call “facts”. Kind of like a thick, insulating layer of whale blubber around the brain. This can lead to  magnification of Homo Republicanus’ own thoughts beyond proportion – similar to an echo chamber effect or constantly listening to Fox News. The result could render the host impervious to reality.

Others believe the trait will ultimately not be useful to the species and may even hasten their decline. Researchers at the National Science Foundation just aren’t sure.

“Ultimately,” said Dr. Chiccarone, “It’s a natural selection kind of thing. If talking out of one’s ass provides no useful benefit, the species will no longer select for it and the adaptation will die off. We’ll just have to wait and see.”

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